She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
