All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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