it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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