drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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