I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
