and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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