ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
