Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
