Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
soo... how was my night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
