I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Small penises have feelings too.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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