This dress was meant to end up on your floor
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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