We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
