and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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