I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
