the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are we still banned from the library?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
