here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
third nipple confirmed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize