im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
