I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
