Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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