Apparently you make a good broom.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
