someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
