Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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