I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
