This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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