So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
