There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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