I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize