my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
