i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
