P.S. I can't hear my feet
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
