I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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