I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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