Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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