is your mom at the bar?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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