You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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