I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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