lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
