Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
