I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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