Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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