Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
