I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
