why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
