i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just forgot I was standing up.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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