I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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