i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
