just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
