Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
