omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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