I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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