i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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