I think I died a long time ago.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize