My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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