The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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