he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
