i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize