Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
