he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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