dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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