the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
