8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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