Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you never un-have a 4some
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
