Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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