Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
