I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The beer is more important than you right now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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